Escalations are often very stressful. People are feeling a lot of pressure, and everyone wants things to be fixed quickly. It's easy to get caught up in the Drama Triangle, a mental pattern that can make communication harder, conflicts last longer, and hurt relationships with customers. But if you are aware of the trap and have a plan, you can avoid it and handle escalations with professionalism and clarity.

Escalations spiral when we play Hero, Victim, or Villain - real progress begins only when we step out of the triangle and step into accountability.

What Is the Drama Triangle?

Psychologist Stephen Karpman came up with the idea of the Drama Triangle. It shows a pattern of unhealthy interaction in which people take on one of three roles:

1. Victim – They feel helpless, overwhelmed, and wronged. They say things like "This isn't fair" or "I can't do anything."

2. Villain (or Persecutor) – Blames other people and gets angry or critical. This is the "You made a mistake" attitude.

3. Hero (or Rescuer) – Jumps in to save the day, usually by doing too much or taking charge. It may seem helpful, but it can make other people feel weak.

These roles can subtly form when customers get angry:

• The customer might say, "Your system is ruining our business!" and take on the role of the victim.

• The support agent or internal team could be the Villain ("You didn't deliver"),

• And you, the person in charge of escalating, may feel like you have to be the Hero ("I'll fix it no matter what").

These roles may seem natural at the time, but they usually end up with blame, burnout, and expectations that aren't met. No one wins.

How to Recognize When You’re in the Drama Triangle

Here are signs that the triangle is forming:

• The level of emotion is going up, and the level of logic is going down.

• You want to save someone and take full responsibility for a problem that isn't just yours.

• People are blaming or attacking a party, and there isn't much room for nuance or shared responsibility.

• Someone feels like they can't do anything or that they don't have any hope, which can stop solutions.

• Communication shifts from addressing issues to being personal.

All of these are signs that it's time to stop and think about the situation again.

How to Avoid or Exit the Triangle Drama Trap

Breaking free from the Drama Triangle requires shifting to healthier roles and mindsets. Here’s how:

1. Shift from Hero to Coach

Instead of saving or making promises you can't keep, ask questions that give people power:

• "What would success look like to you?"

• "What can we build on that is already working?"

This helps the customer feel heard and involved without making your team feel less powerful.

2. Shift from Villain to Challenger

Don't get defensive if people think you're the bad guy. Make your intent clear:

• "We want to get this fixed quickly and completely." Let's look at this together.

Use facts instead of blame, and get people to work together again.

3. Shift from Victim to Creator

If the customer feels like a victim, acknowledge what they've been through and gently steer them toward what could happen:

• "I understand how frustrating this is." Let's look at what we can do now.

Frame the situation in terms of options, not helplessness.

4. Stay Neutral, Stay Grounded

Your job is not to take sides; it's to help things get better. Pay attention to:

• Facts, dates, and what to do next.

• Taking ownership of what you can control and making it clear what others own.

• Use objective framing instead of personal language, like "The expected behavior was X, the observed was Y" instead of "you failed" or "they always."

5. Reframe the Problem

Use words that encourage working together to solve problems:

• "Let's work on this together."

• "From our side, this is what we're seeing. Does that match what you've seen?"

This changes the tone from hostile to friendly.

Final Thoughts

The Drama Triangle is tempting, especially when you're under a lot of stress. But getting into it can make things worse, not better. You can turn tense times into chances for stronger relationships and lasting solutions by recognizing the signs and making a conscious effort to take on healthier roles.

Keep in mind that you are not there to be the hero. You're there to help people come to an agreement, rebuild trust, and give everyone the power to move on.